You win some, you lose some

I’ve decided to post once a month to this bad Larry. FYI.

May has been a rough month for me. Wrecked my knee visiting my brother in Lowell (hey, cobblestone streets of Lowell, suck it) because I’m a klutz in heels. So I missed a week of kickboxing. Then, I found out that I did not get the promotion I interviewed 11 times for. I was 2nd place. Most people would pat themselves on the back for making it that far and being so close. But me? I just beat myself up for not getting the job. A very good friend of mine got the job and deserves it – she is a better fit for this particular position and has been there longer. So I was legitimately happy for her.

Unfortunately, I am my own worst critic. How did I cope you ask? Oh you know, same way I dealt with breakups, bad grades, etc. FOOD. And lots of laziness. I like to call it “relaxing” in the moment to justify it. “Oh I can’t go to kickboxing today, it’s been such a crazy day, I need to RELAX. I deserve it.” AKA “I am going to go home and eat Chinese food and fall asleep on the couch.”

So I missed another week of kickboxing.

I have to say during those two weeks I didn’t go I noticed some changes. I had trouble sleeping, I was moody, I had zero energy and crazy junk food cravings. Just an overall feeling of BLAH.

I finally dragged myself back to class on Tuesday and am SO glad I did. I won’t sugar coat it, it totally SUCKED. I was on the struggle bus. Then I went on Friday too. I walked in and none of my usual friends were in class. I was also the only bigger person in class. I usually feel better if there is someone in class that looks kind of like me. Is that bad to admit? Well its the truth, and this blog is a bull shit free zone. So yeah. I really like having some people in class who look like me and are beginners like me. It’s just less intimidating.

So -The Millie that started this journey a few months ago would have quietly slipped out the door and gone home. Sounds crazy and ridiculous right? Fit people have always intimidated me. Every overweight person who has tried or is trying to lose weight KNOWS what I am talking about. You psych yourself out thinking “when I struggle with these burpees the fit people in class are going to be disgusted like ‘look at that fat girl fail at life’ ”

The potential humiliation is terrifying. Running is another thing. Look, there’s a lot of me to move around. I don’t think it will be a huge surprise that I am not the fastest person. I have been improving, but let’s face it, the 100 lb girl who runs every day has me beat. That’s just life, my friend.

Side planks fall right in to the struggle book. I try and I try but nope. Gravity is like “Hey girl haaaay….no F you. You stay down.” I can’t do it. I just can’t. I am too heavy and I am not strong enough yet. It is what it is!

Back to Friday – I was there, I was dressed… so I stayed. As I type this every muscle in my body aches. Because I made it through the entire class without giving up. It was the most difficult class I have taken yet. I mean, I knew Fridays and Saturdays are the toughest, but yikes…!!!

At certain points I thought I might vomit or collapse, but I wanted to finish. And I did. It might sound insignificant to some, but it was a win for me. I really pushed myself. This class is no joke.

And you know what else I learned? Skinny people struggle with plenty of things. Some people who can rock side planks can’t punch like I can. Also, everyone is so focused on their own stuff that no one has time to judge me. I like to think that anyone who does notice that I’m a bit of a novice is like “Good for her. You go chubby girl.” At least I’m doing the work right?

Another small victory, I had a chance to see some people recently that I don’t see for months at a time and they all told me that I look great and to keep at it. That felt great. Its a little hard for me to see the changes, well, because, I see myself every day.

I guess we all have our side planks in life. That thing you can’t do but you are so damn close you can feel it. I think this promotion is my side plank. My goal is to keep working, plugging away and having these small victories. Then one day, in front of a whole room of skinny people, I will side plank like a boss and it will feel awesome.

Until next month…

Life long battles

Some people battle substance abuse, some people battle money problems or family problems. What have I always battled? My weight. I was a skinny elementary schooler, had little chicken legs and weighed about 40 lbs when I was 7. Around the 4th grade, if you look at my school photo you can kind of notice my face start to fill out a little. A little more in 5th grade. And then a little more in 6th. And so on and so forth.

I tried softball and dancing, but I was never very coordinated. Plus running around with a very full C cup and eventually D cup as a preteen and eventually a teenager is awkward and a little painful to say the least.

So I am fast forwarding – this is not a therapist’s chaise where I am going to tell stories about my childhood. It was, overall, a very happy and normal one. But lets move on – through the less than ideal middle and high school years, through college where I hid at the police station working overnight shifts because I liked that I did not have to see as many people at night. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do not see myself as hideous – I had a serious boyfriend whom I dated all through college and a few boyfriends after. I never had trouble finding dates (the RIGHT dates…well..that’s another story for another blog) and had plenty of friends and good times.

Now I am on the verge of 26, fairly successful in my career, and I have been dating my best friend for almost 2 years and living with him for almost 1. He loves me. He does not think I need to change a thing about myself. My friends love me and they never sit in judgment of me despite the fact that they are ALL considerably smaller and more fit than I.

However, when I get out of breath walking up too many stairs…alarms go off. I am 25 not 85! What am I doing? I don’t want to die young of heart disease or diabetes. I finally found the love of my life and I am TRULY happy with my friends, family and career – am I going to jeopardize that by eating another half pint of Ben and Jerry’s in my sweatpants?!

In the words of Cher from Clueless…I don’t think SO!

No really, I am not sure what the moment of clarity was for me, but one day I decided I need to take charge of my life because I only have one. This is not cosmetic this time. This is not about slimming down to find a man. This is not about a certain number of pounds I need to lose by some crazy deadline I know I cannot meet. I just want to feel better, be stronger and oh, I don’t know…NOT lose my breath walking up stairs!

I have been taking kickboxing classes at I Love Kickboxing/America’s Best Defense Shrewsbury for about 3 weeks now. I only take 2 classes (aiming for 3 this week!) a week and modify a lot of the moves (my overweight readers can testify that it is DIFFICULT moving THIS much weight around, especially if you have years of quality couch potato time on the books) but it is already working. This weekend I wore a pair of AE jeans I couldn’t button 3 weeks ago. I keep having to pull them up. No lie.

No, I have not weighed myself, and I don’t plan on it for a while. I am not playing the numbers game right now. I am the queen of getting discouraged and quitting. A workout plan, a diet, you name it, I have tried it and quit it. Not this time. Not going there.

I decided I would start a blog to share my “journey” with folks and some of the things that are helping me on my way. I am starting with my newfound love of smoothies for breakfast. As an AVID veggie/fruit avoider – I can tell you its so hard to eat veggies and fruits on a daily basis. I am probably still due for more, but this is a good start coming from not even 1 serving a day.

I sat down after grocery shopping today and prepped all of my veggies and fruits so I can toss them in my Ninja blender each morning (along with some nonfat greek yogurt, flaxseed and a small splash of juice – I use Trop50 Raspberry Acai – it gives it that sweetness I need! And some ice too).

This is what’s in there:
– blueberries
– strawberries
– chopped kale
– banana (1 per pack)
– avocado (one-fifth per pack. I only buy 1 avocado for the week because the taste can be overpowering if you use too much)

I drink this on my drive to work. It took some getting used to, it is certainly no breakfast sandwich or bowl of Lucky Charms – but I have noticed my energy is up a little and I feel good about getting the fruits and veggies in.

Baby steps, right?

Until next time…

MKM